I slept terribly last night.
My dreams were obscure and intense; a clear sign my mind was wrestling with an array of clumsy thoughts and abstractions.
It means this morning I have woken filled with chaotic energy.
I haven’t managed to get outside into nature to journal like I always do.
I couldn’t make sense of anything when I woke up, so instead I retreated to my safe space in times like this. The shower.
Pressing my face into the cascading water to drown out the noise emanating from my untethered mind.
Now, I’m writing from the sofa. It’s still dark outside.
As I write this, every few seconds I’m losing focus and becoming lost in blank thought.
It’s a typical ADHD trait. A manifestation of my brain buckling under the weight of so many unprocessed thoughts battling for my attention without any semblance of order.
There is no more chaotic feeling and on the rare occasions it’s this intense, it is painfully stressful.
My heart is racing, my head feels compacted and my entire body is tingling with nervous energy.
I took my ADHD meds just before sitting down to start writing, so I hope this current state I’m experiencing won’t last much longer.
Think, Matt. Think.
I know why this is happening and it’s part of a process I can’t avoid.
I’m in the middle of the biggest transformational period of my life.
I’m endlessly grateful to have embarked on this journey, but the further along I travel, the more real its effects and consequences become.
I read a quote recently which said,
‘When you seek rapid growth in your life, you invite rapid pain and complexity.’
Of course, that makes sense.
Right now, I’m feeling all of those things.
Growth, pain, complexity.
As children we experience physical growing pains. So, later in life when we seek emotional and spiritual growth it’s like once again being that child. Except this time we have the tools to understand and appreciate the pain in all its complexities.
Conversely to the pain I’m experiencing, I’m drawn to new synchronicities and the exchange of profound, exciting energy with both the natural world and others I’ve connected with on a similar journey as me.
So, of course I find myself at times tangled in chaos.
I’m embracing all that is entropic so that some day I might have clarity.
My ADHD meds are kicking in. I can feel my mind starting to compartmentalise my thoughts.
The effect my medication has is unreal.
Two minutes ago I felt like a tornado was ripping through my head and suddenly I’m awash with calm, as though the storm has past, the skies have cleared and I have clarity.
I’m able to focus on my breath and feel the slow, steady beat of my heart.
Methodically, I can pick apart my thoughts and break them down into things which I can control and those which I can’t.
Anything out of my control can be cleared from my mind – a lesson learned from my friend, the heron.
Everything is ok.
I am where I’m supposed to be.
Today is simply another opportunity to embrace growth, however it’s presented to me.